I'm an addict.

I’ve been trying to top each of my pranks with even bigger, more creative pranks. I can’t stop myself. I believe I have a practical joke addiction. I can hear the words of Mrs. Schnoring, my 8th grade teacher, echoing in my head, “There’s a time and a place for that type of nonsense, Miss Burke.” I think I have officially turned into Jokey Smurf.


All I want to do is come up with innovative, daring practical jokes, and I’m losing sight of the fact that they are jokes. The stunts I’ve started to pull aren’t even funny! For example, last night in the parking garage I saw that co-worker Dave’s convertible top on his Miata was down. Unable to resist my desire to do something funny to his car (in the past I have affixed “secret admirer” notes to his windshield, and left a single tortilla chip on his dashboard) I reached in, turned the ignition, and severed his brake line. Just kidding!! (see, even in the context of explaining that I can’t stop with the jokes, I make a joke. I’ve got a disease!) I turned his ignition, and then I turned up the volume on his radio and then turned off the car, hoping that when he got in the car he would think that the parking attendant was blasting the stereo as he parked his car. Or I don’t even know what outcome I was hoping for … it was just an aimless practical joke.

I’m pathetic … but I’m not alone. I just read a story about a doctor who had a skeleton in his office, and he attached fishing wire from the arm of the skeleton to his desk. In the middle of a consultation with a patient, he would start to pull on the fishing wire, thus causing the skeleton’s arm to start moving, and thus freaking out his patients. Is it wrong that after reading about this, I briefly considered becoming a doctor just to be able to pull a similar prank??? I need help.