Mean things I’ve done to Erin Doyle

Through some self-reflection, as well as describing my actions to my cousin Chris, who replied with “KIM! Why are you so mean to this girl?” I have decided that perhaps sometimes I cross the line and am mean to Erin Doyle. She’s a very sweet girl … in fact, I refer to her as my little buddy. But for some reason I just can’t help doing mean things to her just for a few laughs. I swear I think she likes the attention. But anyway, you can be the judge … in the three years I’ve know Erin, here are some of the things I’ve done to her that might be considered mildly mean-spirited:

- When she got into my car recently, I told her not to put on her seatbelt and then I slammed on my brakes. (She wasn’t hurt at all.)
- When I got into the backseat of Laura’s Jeep, I sat behind Erin, who was in the passenger seat. Erin had moved up slightly but I asked her to move up further. When she went to scoot up, I pushed her seat from behind so her knees hit the dashboard.
- I accused her of hooking up with the homeless man that lives in the alley behind our office.
- When I discovered that she had stored her yogurt on my shelf in the company refrigerator, I accidentally knocked her yogurt on the floor.
- At Christmastime, I called her a mean little elf. Recently I told her that she looks like a mean little sea monkey.
- I used the scary spare arm from the BSUR mannequin to poke her and brush her hair.
- When she posted her bedroom furniture for sale on Craigslist, I made up a guy’s email address on Yahoo and I responded to her ad saying “That bed looks familiar … didn’t I hook up with you after Clarendon Ballroom one night?”
- When she responded with an embarrassing comment to my company-wide email regarding an employee, I doctored her email to make it look like she responded to the whole company and I sent it to her saying, “Did you mean to send this to everyone?”
- I told everyone she has VD.
- She was really hungover at work one day and I refused to take her home, and instead I bombarded her with internet images of liquor and beer.
- I called her godless and laughed when Dave called her barren.
- I glued her big eraser to her desk.
- I helped Dave break the antlers off the hand-carved moose pen her sister bought her.
- I invited myself on her vacation to visit her parents, and then I demanded that she sleep on the couch so I could have her bed.
- I helped Dave spread a rumor that she has overly-sweaty palms.

You have to admit, some of these are pretty funny! Some of my best work, if I do say so myself. I’m just helping her to become less sensitive … she should thank me! Erin, if you are reading this, you’re welcome!