I'm an addict.

I’ve been trying to top each of my pranks with even bigger, more creative pranks. I can’t stop myself. I believe I have a practical joke addiction. I can hear the words of Mrs. Schnoring, my 8th grade teacher, echoing in my head, “There’s a time and a place for that type of nonsense, Miss Burke.” I think I have officially turned into Jokey Smurf.


All I want to do is come up with innovative, daring practical jokes, and I’m losing sight of the fact that they are jokes. The stunts I’ve started to pull aren’t even funny! For example, last night in the parking garage I saw that co-worker Dave’s convertible top on his Miata was down. Unable to resist my desire to do something funny to his car (in the past I have affixed “secret admirer” notes to his windshield, and left a single tortilla chip on his dashboard) I reached in, turned the ignition, and severed his brake line. Just kidding!! (see, even in the context of explaining that I can’t stop with the jokes, I make a joke. I’ve got a disease!) I turned his ignition, and then I turned up the volume on his radio and then turned off the car, hoping that when he got in the car he would think that the parking attendant was blasting the stereo as he parked his car. Or I don’t even know what outcome I was hoping for … it was just an aimless practical joke.

I’m pathetic … but I’m not alone. I just read a story about a doctor who had a skeleton in his office, and he attached fishing wire from the arm of the skeleton to his desk. In the middle of a consultation with a patient, he would start to pull on the fishing wire, thus causing the skeleton’s arm to start moving, and thus freaking out his patients. Is it wrong that after reading about this, I briefly considered becoming a doctor just to be able to pull a similar prank??? I need help.

Mean things I’ve done to Erin Doyle

Through some self-reflection, as well as describing my actions to my cousin Chris, who replied with “KIM! Why are you so mean to this girl?” I have decided that perhaps sometimes I cross the line and am mean to Erin Doyle. She’s a very sweet girl … in fact, I refer to her as my little buddy. But for some reason I just can’t help doing mean things to her just for a few laughs. I swear I think she likes the attention. But anyway, you can be the judge … in the three years I’ve know Erin, here are some of the things I’ve done to her that might be considered mildly mean-spirited:

- When she got into my car recently, I told her not to put on her seatbelt and then I slammed on my brakes. (She wasn’t hurt at all.)
- When I got into the backseat of Laura’s Jeep, I sat behind Erin, who was in the passenger seat. Erin had moved up slightly but I asked her to move up further. When she went to scoot up, I pushed her seat from behind so her knees hit the dashboard.
- I accused her of hooking up with the homeless man that lives in the alley behind our office.
- When I discovered that she had stored her yogurt on my shelf in the company refrigerator, I accidentally knocked her yogurt on the floor.
- At Christmastime, I called her a mean little elf. Recently I told her that she looks like a mean little sea monkey.
- I used the scary spare arm from the BSUR mannequin to poke her and brush her hair.
- When she posted her bedroom furniture for sale on Craigslist, I made up a guy’s email address on Yahoo and I responded to her ad saying “That bed looks familiar … didn’t I hook up with you after Clarendon Ballroom one night?”
- When she responded with an embarrassing comment to my company-wide email regarding an employee, I doctored her email to make it look like she responded to the whole company and I sent it to her saying, “Did you mean to send this to everyone?”
- I told everyone she has VD.
- She was really hungover at work one day and I refused to take her home, and instead I bombarded her with internet images of liquor and beer.
- I called her godless and laughed when Dave called her barren.
- I glued her big eraser to her desk.
- I helped Dave break the antlers off the hand-carved moose pen her sister bought her.
- I invited myself on her vacation to visit her parents, and then I demanded that she sleep on the couch so I could have her bed.
- I helped Dave spread a rumor that she has overly-sweaty palms.

You have to admit, some of these are pretty funny! Some of my best work, if I do say so myself. I’m just helping her to become less sensitive … she should thank me! Erin, if you are reading this, you’re welcome!

Céad míle fáilte!

It’s St. Paddy’s Day, wee lads and lassies! Time for the wearin’ o’ the green! Time to sing songs like “When Irish Eyes are Smiling” and “Dear Old Donegal” (just ask me and I’ll sing for you the fast part at the end with all the Irish surnames!) and everyone’s favorite, “Who Threw the Overalls in Mrs. Murphy’s Chowder?”. Everyone is in good spirits on St. Patrick’s Day!

Everyone, that is, except my coworker. To protect her identity, I’ll call her Tori. This morning, I came beaming into the office and greeted everyone with a “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!” in my impeccable Irish accent. I know some people forget that today is St. Patrick’s Day (heaven forbid!) so as a way to make everyone feel as welcome as the flowers in May, I bring small green items to give to people who forgot to wear their green. Today I decided to bring St. Patrick’s Day themed temporary tattoos. So cute, right?? Everyone took me up on my offer to pick out a tattoo to show they were Irish, or at least an honorary Irish person for the day. When I so graciously offered a tattoo to Tori, she practically threw daggers at me with her eyes. In a voice reminiscent of the girl from “The Exorcist”, Tori informed me that she hates St. Patrick’s Day. “I’m not Irish and I’m not Catholic, so I hate St. Patrick’s Day.”

I quickly took a step back from Tori’s side, so as not to receive a painful burn from the lightning bolt that was sure to strike at any moment. Who can hate St. Patrick’s Day? No one I’ve ever met from here to the Emerald Isle has ever hated St. Patrick’s Day. Growing up, I attended Holy Infant School, run by the Sisters of Mercy from County Meath, Ireland. Every St. Paddy’s Day, the whole town would come out for the school’s festival, which included performances by the Holy Infant Irish Dancers (yours truly danced for 3 years) and McNamara’s Band (the schoolboys couldn’t dance so they got to partake in the singing portion of our routine). We even got a day off from school for St. Patrick’s Day! So it stands to reason that no one I’ve ever met has hated such a wonderful day.

Therefore, I’m on a mission today. If it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to get Tori in the St. Paddy’s Day spirit. I’ve been bombarding her with email images (shown below) that exemplify the essence of Ireland. I’ve sent her St. Paddy’s Day trivia and let her know that other faiths believe in Saints, not just us Catholics. I told her how two women in a convertible threw green beads at me as I waited to cross the street this afternoon, just because I’m wearing green. I even played Irish music throughout the front office, and yes, I danced a jig for Tori from my days as an Irish dancer. That seemed to make her smile (ok, laugh) but I haven’t converted her yet. But I will, or my name isn’t Kimberly Kathleen Burke. As they say in Ireland, Slán agus beannacht leat.

It's all about me!

So I had big plans to blog today, but instead got tied up filling out this email survey that designer dave sent to me. So I decided to post it for all to see ... Happy Weekend, everybody!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Between 4 cousins, 3 of us have “Kathleen” in our names somewhere, so it’s a family name.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I’m sure I cried watching American Idol last night.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Yes, but I’m changing it all the time.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Smoked Turkey
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Hell yeah!
7. YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Oh no, not at all. :)
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS ? Yes.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? I doubt it.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Fiber One Honey Clusters or Fruit Loops.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No, but I re-tie them when I put them on.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Yes.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Butter Pecan.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their hair and their laugh.
15. RED OR PINK? Have you seen my apartment??? Red. Definitely red.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I need to be better with managing my money.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I miss my sister. I wish we lived closer to one another.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Yes!
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Jeans and black Pumas.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A bagel. It’s Friday and it’s Lent, so I had to forego my usual turkey bacon sandwich from Starbucks.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The sound of Kathleen typing and a 90’s mix on Rhapsody. Currently “Machine Head” by Bush is on.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Yellow.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Peonies! Stargazer lilies. Anything fresh or clean-smelling. Freshly cut grass. Autumn crispness.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Lori, because she is home sick but we have 2 Kohl’s orders shipping today.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS? I like him a lot.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Baseball, hockey, football – in that order.
27. HAIR COLOR? Blonde
28. EYE COLOR? Green/hazel
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No.
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Potatoes and cheese, but not together. And balsamic vinegar.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? I like them both.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Thirteen, and before that Michael Clayton. I did not like either!
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Spring and fall.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Yes please.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Cherry pie.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? ?
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Dave, because he sent it to me.
39. WHAT ARE YOU READING NOW? This email ... duh! Haha, just kidding. I’m between books at the moment, so I’m reading a lot of Newsweek and People.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Starry Night.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? The Golden Girls (I watch at least 1 episode every day) and American Idol.
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Ocean waves, cardinals chirping, laughter.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Rolling Stones.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Cancun. I need to change that!
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can make people laugh. Hard.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? St. Louis, MO.
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Everyone’s!
48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 10:37am.
50. FAVORITE QUOTE. You have to laugh at yourself, because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t. –Emily Saliers

As difficult as pi??

Why do they say that something is “as easy as pie” when “pie” is not a very easy thing to do? On Sunday night, I attempted to make an apple pie, and it was sooo not easy. First I had to peel and core the apples, which sounds simple until you realize that all you have in your kitchen that’s suitable for “peeling” or “coring” is a butter knife or a steak knife. Have you ever tried to do something as delicate as peeling an apple with a steak knife? I’m just lucky that all of my appendages are still intact.
Then the directions stated that I’d need to put my pastry mixer on low to create the crust topping. Uhhh … my pastry mixer? I don’t even own a regular mixer, let alone one just for mixing pastries. I found a whisk that I thought would be a feasible substitute for said pastry mixer, but the crust never made it to the crumbly consistency that the instructions told me to achieve before pouring it over my apples. So I used nature’s pastry mixer, aka my hands. Crumbly was finally accomplished!

Clearly this pie was anything but easy. So I started to think that perhaps I’m misunderstanding the phrase … maybe it’s supposed to be “as easy as pi” but pi isn’t easy. It’s a constant, and it’s an irrational number (thank you, Mrs. McGuire, my 10th grade Algebra teacher) but it’s not easy at all.

Eating pie is pretty easy, so I started to think that maybe the saying is “as easy as eating pie” but I know I’ve never heard that before. So I’m starting a petition to banish the phrase “as easy as pie” from our vocabulary and am investigating who I can sue for false advertising. Surely there has to be some Pie Council somewhere that is just thrilled that they have successfully fooled the public into believing pie was easy. I’m on to you, Pie Council. Sleep with one eye open.

It's Tuesday. Stuart's father left us on a Tuesday....

So I wouldn't say that I've been ignoring my blog, but rather that I have decided to give more attention to other things. Things like Scrabulous and Smarty Pants on Facebook. I had no idea I was so competitive, but I really am! Today I moved into 8050th place worldwide in Smarty Pants with a score of 252,200! Woot! And I have so many Scrabulous games going on I'm now only using words that contain letters worth 5 or more points. It's horrid. No, Horrible. No, Horrendous! Double word points for me!!!



I have an interview next week for the pet-sitting job I applied for. It'll be a lot of work, but considering that I like animals more than I like some people, it will hopefully be a good match! It will be a good way to spend more time with four-legged friends since I can't have them in my apartment.

And finally, a word for Tony Pepperoni ... if you're reading this, I'm seriously mad at you. Laura and I used to have lots of fun in our carpool, but now you've made her very sad and all we discuss is why you won't call her. You are stupid and frankly I think Laura is better off without you!