Seriously?

I was in the Georgetown Starbucks earlier this week (I'm there every day, but this particular event happened earlier in the week) and was waiting by the fixins bar so I could prepare my coffee. The G'town S'Bucks is almost always crowded, and the fixins bar is large enough to accommodate two or three people at most. So I stood patiently near the large table in the window and waited for my turn. There was a lady sitting at the table, and she was all bundled up like it was 30 below outside, which I found odd considering it was like 75 degrees and sunny. She looked very haggard and if she weren't talking on her cell phone I would have guessed that she was homeless. She looked exactly like this:

But I needed a place to stand as I waited, and I set down my coffee at her table as I put my Metro card away, got out my work keys etc.. It was then that I could hear her end of the phone conversation…
"Look, it's hard to take care of yourself when you don't have any money. I'm trying, but you need money to be healthy. So anyway, I finally went to the doctor and they found blood in my urine, and my white blood cell count was very high, which means I'm infected."

In the history of movement, I don't think anyone has ever moved as quickly as I did to grab my coffee and get away from that lady. Who says that in public??? And who goes out in public when you’re a host to some type of freaky infection?

Then yesterday I was waiting for the bus after work and there was a young man waiting at the bus stop next to me. He was very skinny, chain-smoking, and fidgety. He was carrying two huge bags from Ye Olde Vitamin Shoppe, and because he was so fidgety he was pacing back and forth in front of me. It's a pretty dull task waiting for the bus, so I had nothing else to do but watch him and examine the contents of his bag. He had four huge buckets of "Super Mega Mass Weight Gain 2000" powder. Hmmmm... was he trying to gain weight??

Well the bus was taking a little longer than usual and I could tell he was getting more and more anxious by his constant pacing. I had my Zune on and nowhere to be, so I didn't mind the wait too much. Apparently Weight Gain Boy couldn't take it anymore because after consulting his watch about three times, he took off running. I mean, even with his 80-pounds of powder, he was in a full sprint.

About 3 minutes after he left, the #31 bus to Friendship Heights arrived and I boarded. We made our first stop and who should get on the bus but Weight Gain Boy! He was drenched in sweat, presumably from sprinting while carrying the weight of a small adult. I wanted to say to him, "This is why you need to purchase weight gain powder! Just stand still for two seconds and you'll gain some weight. Trust me - you'll gain some weight!" I just don’t understand people!

I was 10 minutes late for work today.

When you live or work in the city, there are a couple rules of the road you learn along the way that go against the niceties you learn in the suburbs: it’s perfectly okay to begin crossing the street even when the little red hand is flashing and it says you have 2 seconds to cross. If it’s rush hour and the Metro train car is jam packed AND you have someplace to be, it’s fine to push your ass in there as long as you don’t make eye contact with anyone. And if you see your bus about to pull away and you are within five feet, it’s okay to bang on the side of the bus to make the driver stop to pick you up (again, just don’t make eye contact with any passengers because they hate you).

If you don’t know, after 6 years the cost of parking in Georgetown got way too outrageous for me and I had to give up my $16 a day parking space. That’s over $4100 a year that I’m blowing, so I got creative. I discovered that there’s a parking lot in upper Georgetown, about 2 miles past my office, and they offer parking for $6 a day as long as you are out by 7pm. From there, I walk two blocks to catch the Circulator bus, which is the Cadillac of metro buses. It’s a pretty red color with fun yellow stripes, and the interior is quite plush with cloth seats, some of which are elevated for a better view. And most Circulator buses have worn out Metro card readers, so when I put my Smart Trip card on the magnetic strip it doesn’t read my card, so I usually ride for free.

Yes, the Circulator has many wonderful features, but it also has a downside: Ro’shaunda, the lady who runs the Georgetown to Union Station bus line. She is a mean lady.

I have admittedly encountered some timing issues with my new commute, but I figured out that if I drive in the far left lane throughout Rosslyn and across the Key Bridge, I can cut over two lanes at the last minute and shave about 7 minutes off of my commute. Sure it’s an asshole move, but it’s a small price to pay to avoid the glares as I roll into work 10 minutes late. And if I catch the 8:41am bus and don’t stop at Starbucks, I can walk into work at 9:00am on the dot.

So this morning I made the grave error of not having enough cash on me to pay my parking guy, so I had to stop at the bank. But I drove extra fast and found myself at my garage the same time I normally get there. I walked extra fast to the bus stop, and as I rounded the corner I saw my 8:41am bus at the stop. I picked up my pace to make it to the bus just after the doors had closed. I waved politely at Ro’shaunda as if to say “Hi! One more passenger for the Circulator, ready to board!” and you know what Ro’shaunda did? She shook her head “no” and waved her arms forward as if to say “I am OUT of here!” That bitch! After all of my careful planning and reckless driving, she couldn’t wait literally five seconds to let me get on the bus?

Well, Ro’shaunda, it’s war. The next time I’m waiting for you to open the back door of the bus, I won’t politely wait like I usually do… I’m going to yell “BACK DOOR!” just like all of the other rude passengers do. And I’m not going to dispose of my soda before I get on your bus… I’m going to conceal it, and if it spills, so be it! And yes, I am going to hit the “Stop” button before we get to Whitehaven Street, even though it’s your last stop and you stop there no matter what. I know that annoys you… I’m going to get inside your head, Ro’shaunda. Sleep with one eye open.